... Of Fear, Courage, And Emotional Intelligence.

Fear is such a debilitating emotion that is, at times, difficult to confront. Fear is a very strong emotion and it can paralyze some folks into inaction. It is so powerfully enervating as some forms of severe depression that it could leave one curled up in the fetal position in bed with the blinds drawn. Fear could render someone totally useless for days on end, if a person becomes overwhelmed by the specter of a seemingly hostile world. I am convinced that there is a direct correlation between depression and fear. I could go a step further to suggest that they might also have a direct causal relationship in that fear leads to depression, or the obverse. Fear effectively shrinks the size of one's world when almost everything begins to be perceived as a potential threat. Fear triggers a simple survival mechanism which effectively dims out any extraneous light until all the focus is directed on one tiny, tolerable point of light. If a person is unable to confront even the smallest source of light, this is when one ends rolled up in a ball,on a bed in a darkened room. It is an instinctual action to stay still, embrace the darkness, until the sense of danger passes. This is a comfortable, and common level of non-confront predicated on the hope of the situation easily resolving itself. In this instance, it seems safer to look within for a solution rather than to seek the aid of some external agency. Even if all it involves is a subconscious effort not to move, not to draw attention to oneself. Actually, this type of response is only one of six possible responses to the devitalizing effects of fear.

The six responses to fear are best illustrated by the hunter folklore of the Khoisan (the nomadic, and pastoral tribes of the Kalahari and Namib deserts). Basically, as the story goes, these six ways of approaching fear are a throwback to survival instincts developed in the wilderness. The six choices are to avoid, befriend, fight, flee, ignore, or succumb to the source of fear. These choices are an expanded version of the more putative western 'fight or flee' syndrome. The lore goes that a hunter wakes up one morning to discover a lion sleeping at the entrance to his cave. He has to get past the lion in order to check on his traps. The hunter has to quickly decide how to best handle this situation. He could attempt to tiptoe past the sleeping lion (avoid). He could take some leftover meat and bones and try to feed the lion (befriend). He could grab his weapons and attack the lion (fight). He could look for an alternative egress out of the cave (flee). He could simply wait for the lion to leave of its own volition (ignore). If the lion should be startled and attack him, the hunter could lay down and play dead (succumb). The leitmotif of these six choices is that the hunter has to decide how to confront his fear. He has to act in some fashion that we can safely deduce that courage is an integral component of Khoisan culture.

It follows, therefore, that courage is not necessarily the direct opposite of fear. Courage is neither a lack of nor an absence of fear, rather it is the ability to act in the face of fear or danger. Courage demands direct action and is a specific skill to overcome the debilitating effects of fear. The body, instinctively, injects adrenaline into the bloodstream, shortens breath, tenses the musculoskeletal system, and releases toxins via the sweat glands when it prepares to act in dangerous situations. This seems to work when the fear or dangerous stimuli is suddenly introduced into one's environment. However, it doesn't seem to work as well when the dangerous stimuli is insidious or cerebral in nature. This form of fear induces the debilitating physical effects intimated in the exordium. This type of fear is induced by an inferiority complex, severe self doubts, and a lack of self confidence. I am fascinated by how some people opt to capitulate to fear rather than to seek understanding and resolution through any of the six agencies discussed above.

It is almost counter-intuitive that even though most people are afraid to be with their own thoughts, yet most select the succumb option to confronting their fears. I know that people are innately gregarious creatures – well, at least ever since we have been able to vocalize, interpret, and transmit our thoughts. But, we remain scared to be alone with our own thoughts and look to outside agencies for distraction – trashy television, mindless mechanical games (Candy Crush anyone?) - and if that fails, we just curl up and die a little at a time. This phenomenon is most prevalent in troubled romantic dyadic relationships. I mean, where is it written that once couples embark on a romantic relationship, they are bound to make it persist in perpetuity regardless of insurmountable stressors like a lack of trust, a lack of loyalty, infidelity, incompatibility and a lack of any viable relational maintenance strategies? Even if there are children involved, why is the prospect of striking out solo so difficult to imagine? Why is it such a daunting task to face life alone? Flying solo is simply a return to the state one was in before starting a relationship. I am always fascinated by the guests on Springer (I know trashy TV) – who when asked why they will be fighting to stay in a relationship seem programmed, without exception, to claim undying love as their motivation. A secondary reason seems to be based on the longevity of a relationship. It seems that after three days of dating, it becomes almost impossible for some of Jerry's guests to even consider existence without their partner, regardless of infidelity, and overt declarations of the relationship having run its course. Its as if in the eyes of these folks believe it impossible to either find or meet new partners. I put it down to the paralytic effects of fear which are at the bottom of such rationale, such that some people fail to imagine tackling the world either alone or with a specific partner. There certainly might be other socio-psychological reasons why someone might choose to physically retreat from the world, but I am convinced that fear is always the underlying cause.

The principle of the duality of existence stipulates that in life there are always two basic, but opposing, motivating forces: fear/courage and love/hatred. These principles teach that when we are afraid, we retreat from life. However, when we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. The only deficiency of these principles is that they fail to address how fear can be used as a motivational tool for success. It seems like an augean task but, with some emotional intelligence fear can become a protean tool for success. The first and fundamental lesson to learn of emotional intelligence is simply to gain an awareness of one's feelings and how one reacts to potential threats. Emotional intelligence teaches us to understand the enervating effects of fear as barmecidal; and to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory, and all of our imperfections. This is based on the notion of transference found in Psychology, which implies that if we cannot truly love ourselves, then we cannot fully open our ability to love others or our potential to create. So, the hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who fully embrace life. A lack of a developed emotional intelligence will lead to one always being at the short end of the stick of fear; as fear clouds one's ability to correctly estimate the gravity of a situation.

Fear can severely impinge close personal relationships as the afflicted person approaches the relationship from a recessive or weaker position. It seems as if their natural relational maintenance strategies are motivated by a fear of losing the cohesive intimacy of a dyad. In most cases these attempts have the opposite effect as fear turns the relationship into a power play. The fearful partner perceives the other as having ascendancy so much, that their own approach to the relationship becomes to match reality with that perception; either by pulling down their partner to their level, or by raising their own stock to the higher level. The latter exercise is very rare as humans are not wired that way as the fear of failure tends to overwhelm any attempts to raise personal stock. This is the stock in trade of gamesmanship – subdue, beat, intimidate, or defeat your opponent at all costs. It also follows the essence of the Roman military ethos of conquest that dictated that it was more important to be feared than be loved. Don't let fear cloud your judgment – choose to love! Choose to live! Choose to create! And Have fun always!!

Consider this: The greatest obstacle to discovering the shape of the earth, the continents, and the oceans was not ignorance but the illusion of knowledge. Daniel J. Boorstin, historian, professor, attorney, and writer (1914-2004)

... On The Quality Of Life And End of Life Processes

I was recently accused of - or rather labeled as - being stone cold and insensitive to the feelings of other people. This label stemmed from my rather blase reaction to the news of the untimely demise of some acquaintance. Not only was the acquaintanceship rather abstruse, but it was tenuous at best. So, was it wrong of me to not immediately commiserate with someone when they shared the news of a third party either dying or being diagnosed with some terminal illness. There is nothing that can be done to mitigate the impact of someone's death, but there are many opportunities to ameliorate a terminal illness. My natural reaction is to find out what options are available to the affected person. I want to know what choices the person is making. I want to know how high their chances are of beating the illness. This is the line of processing information that has led to me being accused of callousness and insensitivity to the feelings of others. I am always amazed by people's reactions when they hear of someone being diagnosed with a terminal disease. I have seen grown folks break down, cry, get depressed, start mourning, and generally express disappointment at the unfairness of life. In most cases, people start acting as if the person has already died. I find all this carrying on, unnecessary hand wringing, and endless sympathizing rather morbid (pun unintended). It's as if folks become blind and switch off their brains at the slightest hint of bad news. They, then, fail to contemplate the possibilities offered by medical science, I mean, there is always the hope for a full recovery.

I, on the other hand, am instinctively optimistic which is why I always consider there being a possible modern medical intervention. I research the chances the person has of beating the odds and surviving the illness. I take the inductive reasoning approach and am all in to getting a second, a third, and even a fourth opinion. Humanity has progressed and made so many advances in the medical field that it is always possible to medically assuage any terminal illness. I never take the sympathy route – I think sympathy only further exacerbates the introversion and shock a person feels at a time when they are being forced to confront their own mortality. I think that sympathy only serves to further mask the true emotions in such situations. Introversion effectively mutes the body's ability to naturally fight back against disease. Sympathy is only good, I believe, when used as an initial coping mechanism to soften the blow of the enervating news. I believe that empathy, in the long run, is a much better action as it forces a person to identify and understand the other person's feelings and difficulties. Ergo, empathy forces us to directly and immediately confront the issues surrounding the difficulty or illness.

Look, sympathy has its place and uses in life but, it is a weak reaction as it tackles life at a distance. It is natural to sympathize with the victims of a natural disaster – I mean, your emotional engagement is at arm's length. We shake our heads and express shock at the amount of damage ..., but this does not affect the general and smooth rhythm of our own lives. It becomes a talking point around the cooler before we have to rush off to the next meeting. However, if the disaster directly affects a person or a family member – if all they have left are the clothes on their backs – we are more prone to act in a meaningful manner beyond the pithy 'in our prayers, in our thoughts' mantra. If a disaster directly affects a person, the more likely they are to get involved in rebuilding and recovery efforts. This illustration attempts to show that there is a real dichotomy in the emotional mechanics of the two actions. There is an extended explanation here Empathy_vs_Sympathy

I think that sympathy as a social convention is detrimental to how effectively people deal with difficult issues like death, natural disasters, and terminal illnesses. Sympathy is one of the reasons why society has its collective head in the sand regarding death. I believe that only a minority of people have confronted their own mortality. The rest of modern society is focused on avoiding the inevitable by attempting to prolong life, maturity, and youth. There is no need for further explanation except to highlight that the cosmetics, pharmaceuticals – including the vitamin and supplement industries – are trillion dollar businesses. This is a concerted effort to avoid one of the only two certainties which are consistent across all life forms – birth and death. Merely confronting one's own demise and the whole end of life process is an almost taboo subject reserved for the elderly and terminally ill. That is such a philosophical travesty as I feel that the sooner in life mortality is confronted, the higher quality of life a person is able to lead. It really is as simple as acknowledging that death is inevitable and then living a full life – the old saw of living a life without regrets. I think we have become accustomed to approaching life as if we are immortal, that we postpone certain milestones until well into the end of life process; The proverbial bucket list and its insufferable time crunch. The better approach is to do as much as quickly as possible before the end of life process puts the squeeze on your time. The only time I truly feel saddened is when some poor soul is unable to complete their bucket list due to a violent, accidental death. I must qualify that statement somewhat, as I do not feel for the perpetrators of violent deaths, rather I feel for their innocent victims. So, drunk drivers, suicide bombers, murderers, rapists, and ilk of that nature – I never feel sorry for their deaths. I empathize with both the victims' families and the perpetrators' families as they both suffer the loss of a loved one. These are all difficult issues to tackle and I believe they should be a part of our daily conversations. The best way to consider this process is to empathize, you know, to put yourself in the shoes of those affected by either a terminal illness or a violent death. Most of the choices at the end of life process are best viewed through the prism of the choices dictated by the philosophical parameters that most resonate with the affected individual.

The most common solution of choice is religious. I am yet to conceptually understand the whole notion of either sending or keeping in prayer the victims of natural disasters. How does it make sense to get on your knees and talk to the woman in the clouds while your neighbors have lost all their possessions? It might make you feel better, but it does absolutely nothing for the affected people. This is simply an indictment of the pervasive nature of religious thought. It is unfortunate that it still has such control over many aspects of modern life. Religion, in all its iterations, is still the opiate of the masses as it offers the hope of a future existence beyond death in some imaginary paradise. Religion, as a control mechanism, demands that its adherents not directly confront life but stake their faith (pun intended) on solutions from on high. The most insidious aspect of religion is the underlying belief in the concept of some form of reincarnation; whereby, not only families, but whole societies coalesce around the possibility of reuniting at some point in the future in some imaginary place. Thus, a lot of time is needlessly expended on meditation and prayers to an imaginary woman in the sky – this is simply, but stupidly, betting the farm on the hopes of some post-death delayed gratification. In my case, I abide by the hedonistic principles of existence – give me my pleasure now as the future is not guaranteed but will take care of itself. I have been asked if I would not like to spend eternity with my family and friends in the next life. Well, firstly let me fully enjoy this current life as I might not want to spend eternity with some of the people that I have met. Secondly, what happens after I die will take care of itself and there is certainly nothing I can do about it during this lifetime. The essayist William Hazlitt (1778 – 1830) said it best when he wrote that:

Perhaps the best cure for the fear of death is to reflect that life has a beginning as well as an end. There was a time when you were not: that gives us no concern. Why then should it trouble us that a time will come when we shall cease to be? To die is only to be as we were before we were born.

How, then, would I handle life if I were to be hit with the 'terminal illness' label. As I intimated earlier on, I would be searching for other medical opinions as well as considering unorthodox methods to combat whatever the terminal illness might be. I would stake my survival on medical science and if that failed to cure my malady, then I would be actively engaged in my own end of life process. I would refuse all offers of prayers as I would find all that religious mumbo-jumbo a mere annoyance and more of an insult. If my family and friends wish to pray – they would be free to do so in the their own time. I would keep copies of the various studies done by several medical schools and hospitals on the inefficacy of prayer – just as a rude reminder. I would prefer they visit with me, so we can talk of our shared human experience. Nothing would please me more than to just sit and shoot the breeze, reminisce on some past escapades and times without getting either too nostalgic or overly sentimental. I would enjoy discussing the meaning of life, the purpose of life, the dying process, and death. Anything else will not only introvert me, but will make me absolutely miserable. A better use of my time would be to discuss issues that deal with quality of life (Nicomachean Ethics anyone?) rather than spending my time listening to others talking to themselves in prayer to some unresponsive entity. This is the prism that dictates the philosophical parameters of my decision making process. I think each person has their own unique philosophical process. There are some shared common strategies for a higher quality of life and the secret is to find and apply them to your life. Some of these strategies are encapsulated in famous poems like Marianne Williamson's Our Greatest Fear ; some are contained in the words of a remixed song, from the turn of the century, that exhorts you to Wear Sunscreen ; or in the words on a sandwich board:

This is your life. Do what you love and do it often.

If you don't like something, CHANGE IT.

If you don't like your job, QUIT.

If you do not have enough time, STOP WATCHING TV.

If you are looking for the love of your life, STOP; They will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.

STOP over analyzing, all emotions are beautiful. LIFE IS SIMPLE.

When you eat, appreciate every last bite.

OPEN your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences.

Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and SHARE your inspiring DREAM with them.

TRAVEL often; getting lost will help you FIND yourself.

Some opportunities only come once, SEIZE them.

Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them. So, go out and START CREATING.

Life is short. LIVE YOUR DREAM AND SHARE YOUR PASSION. (Anonymous)

Live your live – Have fun always!!