... Of Fear, Courage, And Emotional Intelligence.

Fear is such a debilitating emotion that is, at times, difficult to confront. Fear is a very strong emotion and it can paralyze some folks into inaction. It is so powerfully enervating as some forms of severe depression that it could leave one curled up in the fetal position in bed with the blinds drawn. Fear could render someone totally useless for days on end, if a person becomes overwhelmed by the specter of a seemingly hostile world. I am convinced that there is a direct correlation between depression and fear. I could go a step further to suggest that they might also have a direct causal relationship in that fear leads to depression, or the obverse. Fear effectively shrinks the size of one's world when almost everything begins to be perceived as a potential threat. Fear triggers a simple survival mechanism which effectively dims out any extraneous light until all the focus is directed on one tiny, tolerable point of light. If a person is unable to confront even the smallest source of light, this is when one ends rolled up in a ball,on a bed in a darkened room. It is an instinctual action to stay still, embrace the darkness, until the sense of danger passes. This is a comfortable, and common level of non-confront predicated on the hope of the situation easily resolving itself. In this instance, it seems safer to look within for a solution rather than to seek the aid of some external agency. Even if all it involves is a subconscious effort not to move, not to draw attention to oneself. Actually, this type of response is only one of six possible responses to the devitalizing effects of fear.

The six responses to fear are best illustrated by the hunter folklore of the Khoisan (the nomadic, and pastoral tribes of the Kalahari and Namib deserts). Basically, as the story goes, these six ways of approaching fear are a throwback to survival instincts developed in the wilderness. The six choices are to avoid, befriend, fight, flee, ignore, or succumb to the source of fear. These choices are an expanded version of the more putative western 'fight or flee' syndrome. The lore goes that a hunter wakes up one morning to discover a lion sleeping at the entrance to his cave. He has to get past the lion in order to check on his traps. The hunter has to quickly decide how to best handle this situation. He could attempt to tiptoe past the sleeping lion (avoid). He could take some leftover meat and bones and try to feed the lion (befriend). He could grab his weapons and attack the lion (fight). He could look for an alternative egress out of the cave (flee). He could simply wait for the lion to leave of its own volition (ignore). If the lion should be startled and attack him, the hunter could lay down and play dead (succumb). The leitmotif of these six choices is that the hunter has to decide how to confront his fear. He has to act in some fashion that we can safely deduce that courage is an integral component of Khoisan culture.

It follows, therefore, that courage is not necessarily the direct opposite of fear. Courage is neither a lack of nor an absence of fear, rather it is the ability to act in the face of fear or danger. Courage demands direct action and is a specific skill to overcome the debilitating effects of fear. The body, instinctively, injects adrenaline into the bloodstream, shortens breath, tenses the musculoskeletal system, and releases toxins via the sweat glands when it prepares to act in dangerous situations. This seems to work when the fear or dangerous stimuli is suddenly introduced into one's environment. However, it doesn't seem to work as well when the dangerous stimuli is insidious or cerebral in nature. This form of fear induces the debilitating physical effects intimated in the exordium. This type of fear is induced by an inferiority complex, severe self doubts, and a lack of self confidence. I am fascinated by how some people opt to capitulate to fear rather than to seek understanding and resolution through any of the six agencies discussed above.

It is almost counter-intuitive that even though most people are afraid to be with their own thoughts, yet most select the succumb option to confronting their fears. I know that people are innately gregarious creatures – well, at least ever since we have been able to vocalize, interpret, and transmit our thoughts. But, we remain scared to be alone with our own thoughts and look to outside agencies for distraction – trashy television, mindless mechanical games (Candy Crush anyone?) - and if that fails, we just curl up and die a little at a time. This phenomenon is most prevalent in troubled romantic dyadic relationships. I mean, where is it written that once couples embark on a romantic relationship, they are bound to make it persist in perpetuity regardless of insurmountable stressors like a lack of trust, a lack of loyalty, infidelity, incompatibility and a lack of any viable relational maintenance strategies? Even if there are children involved, why is the prospect of striking out solo so difficult to imagine? Why is it such a daunting task to face life alone? Flying solo is simply a return to the state one was in before starting a relationship. I am always fascinated by the guests on Springer (I know trashy TV) – who when asked why they will be fighting to stay in a relationship seem programmed, without exception, to claim undying love as their motivation. A secondary reason seems to be based on the longevity of a relationship. It seems that after three days of dating, it becomes almost impossible for some of Jerry's guests to even consider existence without their partner, regardless of infidelity, and overt declarations of the relationship having run its course. Its as if in the eyes of these folks believe it impossible to either find or meet new partners. I put it down to the paralytic effects of fear which are at the bottom of such rationale, such that some people fail to imagine tackling the world either alone or with a specific partner. There certainly might be other socio-psychological reasons why someone might choose to physically retreat from the world, but I am convinced that fear is always the underlying cause.

The principle of the duality of existence stipulates that in life there are always two basic, but opposing, motivating forces: fear/courage and love/hatred. These principles teach that when we are afraid, we retreat from life. However, when we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. The only deficiency of these principles is that they fail to address how fear can be used as a motivational tool for success. It seems like an augean task but, with some emotional intelligence fear can become a protean tool for success. The first and fundamental lesson to learn of emotional intelligence is simply to gain an awareness of one's feelings and how one reacts to potential threats. Emotional intelligence teaches us to understand the enervating effects of fear as barmecidal; and to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory, and all of our imperfections. This is based on the notion of transference found in Psychology, which implies that if we cannot truly love ourselves, then we cannot fully open our ability to love others or our potential to create. So, the hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who fully embrace life. A lack of a developed emotional intelligence will lead to one always being at the short end of the stick of fear; as fear clouds one's ability to correctly estimate the gravity of a situation.

Fear can severely impinge close personal relationships as the afflicted person approaches the relationship from a recessive or weaker position. It seems as if their natural relational maintenance strategies are motivated by a fear of losing the cohesive intimacy of a dyad. In most cases these attempts have the opposite effect as fear turns the relationship into a power play. The fearful partner perceives the other as having ascendancy so much, that their own approach to the relationship becomes to match reality with that perception; either by pulling down their partner to their level, or by raising their own stock to the higher level. The latter exercise is very rare as humans are not wired that way as the fear of failure tends to overwhelm any attempts to raise personal stock. This is the stock in trade of gamesmanship – subdue, beat, intimidate, or defeat your opponent at all costs. It also follows the essence of the Roman military ethos of conquest that dictated that it was more important to be feared than be loved. Don't let fear cloud your judgment – choose to love! Choose to live! Choose to create! And Have fun always!!

Consider this: The greatest obstacle to discovering the shape of the earth, the continents, and the oceans was not ignorance but the illusion of knowledge. Daniel J. Boorstin, historian, professor, attorney, and writer (1914-2004)